I'm STILL Standing!

Today is the 1-year anniversary of me being "fired" from my job at the Doctor's office. This has been a VERY emotional year for me and my family this last year. I lost my job in December, then lost my Grandmother in January. Then over the next few months, I applied to anything that I thought would hire me, only to find that most positions are NOT as flexible with their working hours as the Doctor's office had been. I applied to 10+ on-line typing companies, but never heard back from any of them, I sent out 40+ resumes and cover letters to area Doctor's offices and other companies I thought would work with my schedule, but none of them worked out either.

I had been a stay-at-home mom for 3+ years and then I was a working-mom for 1 year and suddenly, I was a stay-at-home mom again.....who felt as though I NEEDED to work to help support my family!!!!! The STRESS was killing me. The several interviews that I did go on were comical because I first had to explain WHY I had been fired (which would take forever to explain correctly) and then they would nod in understanding, and we'd get along GREAT, but the hours wouldn't be flexible, so I would always wind back up at Square 1!

It wasn't until yesterday that I finally realized something.........and I was watching Joel Osteen around midnight....he said that (paraphrasing) we are the only ones who can make the decisions in our lives and that WE choose to be happy or not to be happy. When something bad happens to us, if we deal with the situation and then move on, then we have overcome that situation and have learned from it, but that if we continue to dwell on the situation over and over, then WE are willingly giving other people the control over our lives. He said that every second that we choose to dwell on the past is just another second that we have lost forever....that each second is a gift from God....each DAY is a gift from God and that we can live those seconds as we wish, but that it's foolish to spend those seconds on trivial things that we no longer control.

I obviously had no control over my getting fired..........I even asked my bosses if there was any way that I could do anything to continue working with the office and I was told "No." They already had a plan in mind for the person that had replaced me and I was no longer needed....

Was I a good employee???? I honestly think that I was! I showed up to work when I was supposed to be there, I came in the snow/sleet/rain/ect..., I was always friendly to everyone (even the patients who tried our patience!), I was able to get the office out of the bind that it was in when I was hired, and was in the process of working my way into getting further (needed) training, I worked MANY hours past what I agreed to work (and many of those I did for FREE on my own time). I was a good employee. I got along well with all of the staff and felt as though we were becoming a real family there. Something that I really wanted in a work environment.

So............I was a good employee.....I was proud of the work that I did there......I can look myself in the mirror and say that I did what was asked of me and then some.....so what more can I do about it?????? Absolutely NOTHING!!!! There's nothing more that I can do about it! They most assuredly aren't losing sleep over the fact that "poor little Martha" lost her job and has been growing ulcer after ulcer since getting canned. None of them have called to see how I am or how the family is after they drove their mommy insane! So...............WHY have I had such a hard time with this??? BECAUSE!!!!!! That's WHY!!! :o) (this is the part where I'm whining!!) I WANT PEOPLE TO LIKE ME!!!!! I can't stand it if someone is mad at me or of someone thinks that I've not been pulling my weight. It drives me crazy! I know that I'm a great individual who will give my all, but I also want others to know that too and when they don't, I feel as though I'm a lesser person for some reason. I feel flawed and it kills me that I let other people have that type of influence over me.

I have literally WASTED the last year of my life worrying about this whole mess......I've spent MANY hours wondering WHY they decided that they didn't want me anymore. I'm likeable! I'm cute! I'm SWEET!!!! I'm HONEST!!!! I'm a good listener!!! I TRY to be unbiased about just about everything...(most of the time). Maybe I'm just tooooooo nice.

Only the good LORD above knows!

HOWEVER.......I did figure this out pretty much right off the bat........I NEVER would have quit the job......EVER! I would have hung in there no matter what because I don't quit jobs unless I'm getting married or having babies (and we needed the money!!!). The job was actually stressing me out to the point that it had affected my blood pressure and I had gone on BP meds. I was trying to do tooooo much to try to keep them happy and in turn, I was losing precious time with my 2 babies and husband. I was spending my time away from work thinking about how I could get "caught up" at work so that I could start taking more training to become better and more efficient at the job. I was getting burned out and it was really starting to show.....again I say....I NEVER would have quit......and God knew that. GOD KNEW THAT.

So........................I got fired. Not saying that God got me fired, but I am saying that I was given an out.......maybe an unwanted out on my part...but an out just the same. This was a definate way to get me seperated from the source of my stress. Forced seperation! Not the best way, but it did do the trick! Within 2 months, I was off of the BP Meds and my stress levels and headaches had been reduced greatly. Did I see this as a positive???? NO!! Because I was still tooo hung up on the fact that I, Martha, had been FIRED!!! So, again, I say that I wasted this last year on a group of people that could care less if I'm in the world. Pretty good use of time, wouldn't you say?

I will say this, though......I'm finally SICK and TIRED of letting other people rule my emotions and world! I do NOT want to live another day worrying about the trivial details of life that have no real importance or bearing on MY happiness! Every day is a gift and life is way too short to spend those seconds and minutes on negative things.

I was fired. It's NOT the end of the world! There! I said it! Life will go on......(actually life HAS been going on, but I just wasn't a participant in it!). There will be other jobs and it's QUITE possible that I'll get fired again, but you know what????? I'll learn from it and move on down the road again!

Life is toooooo short to spend it worrying about who has hurt my feelings or who has done me wrong. From now on, I want to focus on what matters most to me....my family and making memories that they will remember for a lifetime. I want to raise my boys to be wonderful young men and I want them to have the background of a loving and caring mother....not a mom who was depressed all of the time. I want them to find good and caring wives and have children of their own who can be proud of their family and their grandparents and how we lived our lives. I want to leave a legacy that shows that it's o.k. to be nice to people and that we should all strive to make as much of a positive difference in this world as possible. As long as we are honest and do our very best as what we set out to do, then we can rest easy each night, knowing that we did what we could with what we were given.

So..............I will still have my crazy days and there will be many days that I'll still find myself feeling down, but I will tell you this............I won't let myself be as sad as I've been this last year! Never Again!!! I PROMISE!!!!!!